Maple Syrup Hell aka Organic Spray Tan

25 Apr

Several weeks ago I got a great deal on a spray tan and corner lash extensions. Two weeks ago I got my first Mystic spray tan since Spring Break 2009. As you may (or…. may not?) know, I am a pale, freckled redhead, who can get a mean tan.  Approximately the day I turned 20, I realized that I was a pale, freckled redhead, and was quickly on my way to yucky wrinkly leather skin and skin cancer. From that day forth, I have been scared of the sun and any color on my skin.

If I notice my shoulders have a few extra freckles (which is very hard to have not happen, LA tends to be sunny…) I make sure to wear sleeves and sunscreen.

I embraced the deathly pale look, this is the new always me! And, until I moved out of New Orleans, I had platinum blonde hair…

So back to the spray tans.

I decided to get a Mystic tan. I went, I got it, I was tan! You could now see me when I walked into a white room! I received many compliments and decided this was exciting, must do more.

On Friday, I had the day off for the holiday, and decided to cash in on my tan/eyelash coupon.

I walk into this place, which is advertised to seem like it’s going to be this pristine, immaculate spa haven, when in fact, it’s more in a carpeted alley off Melrose.

I lay down on the bed and she puts the dentist-esque light over my face.

“Yeah… so you have white eyelashes…”

“Yes, I sure do.”

“Okay well, I don’t think the eyelash extensions will work for you. There would basically be 20 random long black eyelashes scattered amongst your blonde ones… and you can’t wear mascara with these extentions.”

“Uh oh. Okay.”

“Unless you want to get a full set, which will be $100 extra.”

“Nope I do not want that.”

So we decided on getting my eyelashes and eyebrows tinted instead.

I don’t know if you read/remember my post on getting my moles removed, but something about her putting Vaseline all around my eyes and then wet paper towels around them with her lightly brushing on my eyelashes, reminded me of getting my bandages replaced and I started to get nauseous. For NO reason. I was getting my eyelashes dyed. I basically do it everyday, its called MASCARA.

I made myself get over that real quicklike because I wasn’t going to vomit over something like that. Although I am on a diet so maybe…. Kidding.

After the eyelashes were tinted, she did my brows.

Everything looked great and I was happy. Then the two ladies conversed and realized I couldn’t get a spray tan until my tinting had “set in.” So I was told to come back several hours later that day.

I went hiking with Nancy and then got a late lunch with her, her baby (see photo here), and Preston.

Thennnn I went back to Melrose to get this amazing organic individually applied spray tan.

So I strip down in the bathroom and she gets to work. I’m basically standing on a platform with my legs and arms spread open like Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man, while she takes an airbrush to every crevice. Literally opened my butt crack and lifted my boobs to get in there. Oh well. I’d say it wasn’t weird because I’m used to it, but I’ve obviously never done that before, but I definitely didn’t care because I’m known to do cartwheels naked in my parents home after dinner.

“Okay you’re all done, just come out here and stand in front of the fan. It’s okay, no one’s really here.”

So now I’m exiting the private bathroom and literally just strolling around the spa, still in Vitruvian Man pose, in front of a small fan while people were carrying on with their business.

If I had been someone who was shy… would have been terrifying…

Good thing I’m an exhibitionist. Even when I shouldn’t be… (fat).

Eventually she tells me I’m good and to go home. Here’s what I was expected to do/not do:

Don’t sit in one spot for too long

Don’t sit, really

Don’t wear clothes

Don’t go out

Don’t cross your legs

Don’t sit on anything

Don’t sweat

Don’t touch your skin

Don’t do anything, really for TWELVE HOURS.

And then I can shower in the morning.

Ok, may not seem so awful, but imagine taking a dip in maple syrup and then do the above. I don’t know about you, but two hours laying on a towel in sticky brown shit was two hours too long. This stuff was awful. I tried doing some homework, and after two hours, looked at myself in the mirror and cracked up. I looked like I was doing a bad version of black face. It was called sticky, runny, brown face. After a mini photo shoot to document it, I gave up and hopped in the shower, trying to just lightly rinse off to make the stickiness go away. Once I’d sufficiently watched the brownness go down the drain I air dried and applied lotion.

Then I turned green.

Back in the shower, scrubbed myself raw, went to CVS and bought a can of L’Oreal airbrush tan.

Worked like a charm.

So now, I am officially 100% pigmented. Where I was once practically albino, I’ve now dyed my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and skin darker.

Here I am world. Colored. I mean, darkened. Well, darker. More like not a ghost?

Sheesh.

NEVER getting a individual spray tan again. Mystic wins.

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3 Responses to “Maple Syrup Hell aka Organic Spray Tan”

  1. Tracy April 26, 2011 at 10:44 am #

    OMG!!!!! So funny!

  2. Tracy April 26, 2011 at 10:48 am #

    I’m imagining you looking a bit like a pistachio nut!!!!

    • Rikki April 26, 2011 at 11:31 pm #

      Mom, what does a pistachio nut look like?!?!

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