How My Nipples Joined the Mile Eye Club.

24 Dec

So I’m at the Burbank airport, an hour and a half early, as usual, with an updo Audrey Hepburn would be proud of in flowing wide legged pants and very high leopard wedge boots and a fur coat. My neck is draped in sparkly necklaces, matching my sparkly headband. Shoes, a box of makeup, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, another fur coat and Advil spill out of my oversized floral travel bag as I sit down with my just purchased Philippa Gregory novel.

I scream Grandma Chic and am sticking out like a super sexy and very accessorized thumb amongst wrinkley, ringless fingers.

There’s hardly anyone in the airport and I’m loving it.

Have I ever told you about the funniest time I ever had flying?

When I was a sophomore in college, I flew home to Portland for my then boyfriend’s father’s wedding. I arrived Friday night, drank and partied until early morning, woke up late, went to the wedding Saturday evening and drank and partied until about 3am.

At 4am my mom picked me up and took me to the airport. Ouch.

They took my expensive makeup in security and obviously I cried about it. It was 5am, I’m tired and drunk, and you take my makeup? Anyone would have cried. No normal adult human is capable of steel caged emotions at a time like that.

I somehow, in a haze, still drunk, crying, and very exhausted make it into my seat. I draped myself in blankets and my pillow and passed out.

Remember in the mid 2000’s when Juicy Couture strapless, rouched, towel fabric tops were in?

I was wearing one.

As the flight attendant comes round to tell me to bring my seat forward, I wake up, burning hot and sweating my drunk ass off. I rip my blanket off, tear off my jacket, then my sweater and am finally free.

I exhale a huge breath and close my eyes as I feel the sweat evaporate and I cool down. At some point I remember that we’re landing and I should grab my phone so I can immediately turn it on.

As I bend forward and I lower my head down towards my feet, I catch the sight of my nipples glaring back at me.

My top AND my bra had slipped down around my waist.

There I was, just chillin. Topless. For a good solid 5 minutes. That’s a long time in naked airplane time, fyi.

Drunk, I call my mom the second, ok fine, as we’re landing hardly able to breathe I’m laughing so hard.

Oh brother…

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