Arachnophobia 2

19 Dec

United Apparel Liquidators. The coolest store in New Orleans. Where you can get designer and couture clothing and accessories at a tiny fraction of the retail price. New, unworn, but not necessarily undamaged sometimes. Either way, if you want Stella McCartney, Dolce & Gabbana, Marni, Valentino, LnA, and Velvet, to name a few, this place will rock your world.  I was the Assistant Manager there for a year.

One day, three of my coworkers rushed up to me with wide eyes.

There was a huge banana spider on the ceiling of one of the dressing rooms.

Have you ever seen a banana spider?

I hadn’t until that day.


If you grew up in Florida you may be used to them and know what they are and where they come from and maybe what they like to eat and if they bite.  I did not grow up near these monsters and know nothing about them.  They are terrifying. It seemed like the perfect opening to Arachnophobia 2.  And I’m pretty sure that my extensive amount of viewing Arachnophobia exponentially increased my fear and knowledge of what might happen, were this arachnid to reproduce profusely in the back room of the store, which, if you’ve seen the back room, is highly likely.

It’s a bright, sunny Saturday afternoon, and we have a human flesh eating monster on the ceiling above unsuspecting, innocent shoppers, who just want to save a million dollars on an awesomely weird pair of pants.

So my darling coworkers rush to their manager with wide eyes, screaming: what do we do!? Abby runs across the street to grab the hunky valet guy across the street, who knew we all thought he was bangin’ and would love to show off his manliess.

During the 30 minutes before the attack, a family entered the store. Much like everyone else who enters the store for the first time, they were really pumped to have stumbled into heaven. The two daughters, aged approximately 25 years, pulled several items each and started to try them on. The mother and father excitedly ran around and handed their daughters more and more awesome things to try. All of us employees were instantly smitten with the father, not because he was a George Clooney or a Denzel Washington, but because he truly was excited about his daughters finding something they loved.

“Oh hon, this is so cute, you need to try this dress on” as he hands one daughter a $300 designer dress.

We all have fathers who hate the fact that the women in their family’s shop. This guy was all for it and actively helping. When one daughter would try something great on, he was the first to praise how great she looked.

So as they’re wrapping up, the 8-legged creature descended upon UAL. Before the valet hunk could even enter the building, SuperDad had ascended the huge orange ladder in the rear of the store and was all John Goodman on that spider. I wish I could say that there was an epic battle and the spider lurched at SuperDad and he fell off the ladder and when the spider hit the floor, it erupted and thousands of baby monsters exploded out of its womb and attacked the customers and bubbling sores appeared all over them and then they turned green and slowly died as the spiders ran rampant and then attacked the whole city of New Orleans (great movie, BTW) but none of that happened. He took a paper towel and stereotypically murdered the damn thing and flushed it down the toilet.

The family approached the cash wrap, paid for their awesome shit, and left.

We ignored the other customers for a while as we argued over who loved SuperDad more, with stars in our eyes and heavily beating hearts. About 5 minutes into this adorable moment, a woman popped her head in the door.

“Excuse me, this is going to sound really… weird… but my daughter and I were just in here and were trying clothes on in that back fitting room, and, well… Sorry this is so weird, but she had a pet spider we just got her in a little cage, and it’s not in her cage anymore… Have you by chance seen a big, brown spider anywhere?”

I looked at my girls, and each and every single one of us had our hands over our mouths with huge, wide eyes.

OMG we killed the little girl’s pet spider. What. The. Hell.

That’s when SuperDad popped his head around the door:


And we were even deeper in love…


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