Dating. UGHHHH.

15 Dec

Why is it so hard to date these days?  I’m thankful for the horrible relationship experiences I’ve had in the past, as the best thing that came out of them was insight, balls, and some attitude.

Usually the timid, everything’s great type person, I have grown a small super cute pink sparkly pair of balls. Where I used to just let guys run all over me in the hopes that they’ll realize how great I am one day, I now know how to whip out a pair, and stand my ground.

I used to fantasize that the guy I’m dating will date me just long enough to where one day, a light goes on in their immature, idiotic brains and they think, “Oh. This girl I’m dating is pretty damn awesome. I should fully commit to her and treat her like a princess.”

INSTEAD, they see that I’m so down to earth, chill, and whatever about most things, they go wild with no restraints. Because of this, I’ve been cheated on on my 21st birthday with a ‘friend’ of mine, I’ve been the secret other woman in which I didn’t even know I was the secret other woman, and my high school sweetheart secretly dated my college best friend in front of my face yet completely behind my back (after months of me rejecting his come-ons– sloppy (embarrassing for her/soul-less) seconds, anyone?) after I told him it was fine with me that he had a crush on her, but BEWARE, she is the meanest person I know.

This is when you think, nice girls finish last? Why do the bitches get boyfriends?

In New Orleans, I started becoming sick of unattractive older guys hitting on me in bars.  Note- Unattractive. I did not get sick of attractive, rich older men hitting on me in bars.  So I had a brilliant idea. I would tell them that I had children at home that I needed to tuck in, thinking this would be the best way to scare them off.  I could combine several of my favorite things in this charade.

1. Improv.

2. Lying.

3. Pretending I have children at home I need to tuck in.

What I didn’t know was how many men out there have children, and responded, “Me too! How old are yours?!”

Fail. There goes my ‘out.’

Remember that blue mouthwash guy? Yeah. Very recently after I met him I went on a 30 minute blabberfest (I have those a lot…) where I explained my newfound hilarious yet worst way ever to get rid of guys. Which was telling them I had kids, hoping they’d be scared and go away. He sat there silently while I rambled on for too long. After he left, I got a phone call saying “BTW, he has 2 kids.”

Oops.

I just had ANOTHER mini-relationship with a guy here in L.A.

He flirted with me, he came onto me, he asked me out on nice dates, he picked me up, wined me and dined me, whispered sweet nothings into my ears, texted me all day long, called me all the time.  My sister, Preston, and I joked about how quickly this thing was going and how I was concerned at the pace and needed to slow it down but didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  Then I started to really like this guy.  I got excited that maybe, just maybe, a nice guy finally found me. Psych. He dropped the bomb on me one night that he felt like I was taking things too quickly and he wasn’t ready for a relationship because he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. POW. WTF. Way to turn the tables, dude! I’m going to set the pace at ‘too fast’ and then blame you for it! yaaaaayyyy. The good thing about this guy, though, is that he was honest with me most of the time and one day if he ever gets over his ex, we’ll see if it could go somewhere…

This is why I cannot take anyone seriously. This is why I cannot trust men. They all act great and then quickly go to shit. I mean, what the hell.

The good news, is that this time around, although I liked the guy and he still wanted to find someway to make it work, and I said no way, Jose.  I’ve already gone on emotional rollercoasters through hell with guys trying to figure out who they are and what they want. I want a guy who knows who he is and what he wants. I mean, I’m almost 40. Been there, done that. This isn’t Eat, Pray, Love. And if it was, you better believe I’d never let James Franco go…

I’ve had serious drunken conversations with older women about our commonalities about sperm shopping and raising kids without a father. At some point they realize that they’re conversing with a 23 year old and are probably a little weirded out. You can see the light go on in their eyes when they jerk back to reality where they’re connecting with a juvenile about parenting.

Most people my age dream about meeting the perfect guy, falling in love, getting married, and having a family.

I am so much more excited about getting pregnant and having babies. I forget to realize that a man at some point will be involved in the conception of a child, but have never met anyone worth having children with and spending my whole life being around. I get REALLY annoyed with the guys I’ve dated thus far after a certain point and cannot imagine spending the rest of my life having to deal with their bullshit.  I tell my mom this casually while driving and she instantly goes on a 20 minute rant on how unfair it is to my children to not have a father and I can’t do that to them and they don’t deserve that life and they need a male influence blah blah blah. By the end of the conversation I really thought I had kids from the way she was talking about ‘them.’

Don’t get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to find the perfect guy and have the perfect family.  I’ve just not experienced anything as of yet to make me visualize this actually happening with a real person.

So what is a 23 year old girl supposed to do when she feels almost 40, can’t find anyone near worthy of procreating with, and has strong urges to be pregnant, yet not right now and not necessarily soon, but soon? Soon as in 5-7 years.

The answer is awfullllllll.

Because it involves being patient and ‘putting myself out there.’ UGHHHHH. I am the most impatient person I’ve ever met. I can’t even get take out food because I WILL pull over and eat it in the car on the way home, no matter how close I am.

Maybe I need to pull out the big guns. And by big guns I mean show some cleave.

Now that I’m on my detox thing and dieting and physically miserable I can lose some poundage and start slutting around town. You’re all laughing now, I can hear you, but with the right low cut top and my mother around to make sure I don’t wear grandpa sweaters over oversized shirts over baggy harem pants, I might be able to look sexy once or twice. Who knows, maybe I’ll even buy a padded bra and not wear lipstick that scares people!

But that’s no fun… I want a guy who doesn’t think I look like a clown, which is what every single boyfriend I’ve ever had has told me about the lipstick I wear.

Here’s the list of questions I need to ask guys when I meet them, in order of relevance:

1. Does my lipstick scare you?

2. Are you over the age of 35 mentally?

3. Are you over the age of 27 biologically?

4. Are you ruined from a previous relationship that you for some reason cannot get over even though it happened years ago?

5. Does the thought of a committed relationship scare you?

6. Are you going to seem great at first and then end up being a crazy fucking freak?

7. How soon do you want 4 or 5 children?

8. Can you sustain 6 people on your salary?

9. Is it okay with you that I hate cooking and cleaning?

10. Are you okay with your personal life being broadcast to anyone who will listen?

Important things I need to know.

The list could go on, but I’ll stop. For now I’d settle on getting drunk and making out in bars. Get ready, Portland! The Thornton sisters are about to descend for Winter 2010! New Years… Oh New Years… Don’t fail me now!

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3 Responses to “Dating. UGHHHH.”

  1. Lindsay December 15, 2010 at 2:38 pm #

    hahah “I mean, I’m almost 40. Been there, done that. This isn’t Eat, Love, Pray. And if it was, you better believe I’d never let James Franco go…” All your posts make laugh out loud at work and look like a crazy person. and I look forward to every new one you have!! When I’m finally a rich New York PR Woman I will represent you and make you millions.. here’s hoping.

    • d December 15, 2010 at 5:06 pm #

      gee not too many 27 year old dudes want to act like their 35. your mother is correct though children raising parents are significantly more likely to be failures, across all social groups. the answer to 10 is absolutely not and i don’t know many other dudes especially business oriented who would allow that. do you want the 6 figure salary? i would gladly tell you about my business but that is not your friends business. what a long list of demands for a guy to meet. I want a wife who can cook half the time, put up with my bullshit all the time, understands a relationship of equals, and is fun in bed. not so much to ask for i think. in other words i have no more time for spoiled princesses but oh what i would do for a queen..

      • d December 15, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

        let that be “children raised by single parents”

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