A Kate ‘Fail’ Tale.

4 Dec

So I was thinking of something funny that I could share with all of you. Something that would make you laugh, as that is the main point to this bad boy.

Once upon a time I dated a boy. Well, he was more like a grown man. At least he should have been more like a grown man, as he was significantly older than myself. Alas he was the most immature male I’ve dated. Yikes.

Anyways, this gentleman was divorced and had two young kids from that marriage. Our dating life was similar to what you would find in any new, budding, possible relationship.

We texted, we went out to dinner, we went to bars, we drank together, we spent the night at each other’s houses, etc.

One morning I woke up at his house early in the morning. He was still very much asleep.  The night before we went drinking at one of our favorite bars.

We’ve all done this.

Gone out drinking, go home, pass out. You don’t have your toothbrush, you don’t wash your face, you sleep in the clothes you went out in. Your sexy smoky eye makeup has now made you look like Courtney Love on a good day, your foundation has blocked your pores and made you feel like you are wearing a dirt mask, and the dark lipstick that made you look so mysterious and sexy last night has remained only in the dry, cracked part of your lips creating the “my lips cracked and bled all night” look.

Subsequently you wake up, smell like shit, look like shit, feel like shit, and the last place you want to be is in bed breathing out whatever the hell died in your mouth overnight on the guy you’re trying to impress while looking like Amy Winehouse after 17 nights of drinking, drugs, and domestic abuse.

So I wake up feeling this way, looking this way, smelling this way.

Since he’s asleep I’m like,

Aw yeah, free time to try and fix this mess. (I’m the mess).

I sneak out of the room and into the bathroom that is not connected to his room.



Hand towels.

I scrub my face.

I feel better already. I wipe off the black eye makeup, the leftover red lipstick, and decide that no makeup is better than anything that was left over. Say hello to Tilda Swinton, ladies and gentleman. That’s what I look like with no makeup. White eyelashes, blue eyes, blonde eyebrows. I have literally no pigment to any feature on my head sans makeup.

So after I clean up my skin and my face, I wash my hands and my armpits, trying to smell better. He had a delightful hand soap that did the trick. I know, its awful.

Last but not least, I gratefully grab the mouthwash and just dump that shit in my mouth. I probably swallowed more than I spit out but I figured I’d live.

Transformation complete.

I tiptoe back to bed and snuggle up, feeling much more confident after my secret clean up where I made myself much easier to wake up next to. He’d have no idea that I just spent 20 minutes refreshing myself. Yeah, I just “woke up like this.” Psych. He’ll never know…

He opens his eyes and I flash him a huge, happy smile and say,

“Good morning!” with a cute little twinkle in my eye.

His eyes widen and he starts cracking up.

Ok… I’m a little confused at this and say nothing.

After he finally gets himself together he asks me if I used the blue mouthwash in the kids’ bathroom.

I tell him I did…

Apparently there is a mouthwash for kids that turns your plaque bright blue when you haven’t washed your teeth well enough.





One Response to “A Kate ‘Fail’ Tale.”

  1. Carmen December 7, 2010 at 6:26 pm #

    That’s a good one, I’m still cracking up…

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