Condies

18 Nov

Ok so I’m dating someone. I won’t go into any details because more likely than not he will read this at some point. Hi there, you if you’re reading. You maybe want to sensor anything you say in case I decide to blog about it… FYI I have little to no filter… Something to learn.

Something hilarious and rare, is that his mom reminds me of my mom, therefore making him a lot like me.

I received a text from Boy the other day.

“Well, my mom sent me a can of condoms in the mail today.”

My response: “Why in a can?”

Later I arrived to his/my sister’s boyfriend’s house (they live together…) and he plops the can on the table.

It literally was a can.  A metal can-o’condoms. “Top Ten Condoms of the Year.”

“She probably read about it somewhere…. I don’t think she knew there were vibrating cock rings in it…”

This reminded me of the time my mom went above and beyond for me when I was in college.

You may or may not know that Planned Parenthood prescribes birth control pills for free if you qualify.

I qualify. (I’m poor).

Why would I spend any amount of money a month when I can waltz into PP and get a brown paper bag full of a full year’s supply of BC? There’s no reason. The problem, however, is that Oregon is far away from Louisiana.

One month, I was about to run out. I cannot not take these pills, I have a very painful internal issue that is suppressed by hormones. I take these bad boys every day of my life. Wish I didn’t have to, trust me. But the sad truth, is that take I ’em or I die. (Not literally, I won’t actually die, I’ll just want to).

“Mom, can you do me a quick favor and run over to Planned Parenthood to pick up my pills and mail them to me?” Said via cellular phone.

“Do I have to? What do I have to do?”

“Literally all you do is walk in, say I’m here to pick up a prescription, and they hand you a bag, and you leave. I’ve already called it in and let them know you are coming.”

“Fine.”

A couple days later I get a text from my mom.

Goddamnit Kate, you said all I had to do was walk in?! Why the hell did I have to ‘take a letter’ and wait for my name?! I’m 50! I’m in here with a bunch of 14 year olds who don’t speak english!

Sorry about that mom… they told me all you had to do was walk in…

Apparently she waited for 20 minutes and was so embarrassed by the whole situation that she just grabbed the brown paper stuffed bag and booked it outta there.

Later in the day, mom calls me.

“Well that was awful, I’m never doing that again, Kate. I’m going to Rite Aid, do you need anything?”

“Yes. I need deodorant, razors, lotion, and toothpaste. Thanks mom! Also, can you mail me Rikki’s blue formal dress for my Delta Gamma Cocktail party next week?”

Even later in the day, I guess you could call it ‘night’ by then, I receive another call from momz.

Apparently, she left Rite Aid, grabbed the dress from my sister’s closet, and headed to the post office.  She had everything in a box almost ready to go, when the sales person mentioned she could save a ton of money by using a specific box.  Not being able to resist a good deal, my mom straight up dumps out the contents of her already prepared box.

A formal, silky, deep blue gown flows out

along with 12 packets of birth control

deodorant

razors

lotion

and about thirty condoms.

It turns out Planned Parenthood threw in some condies for good measure and my mom didn’t notice because she was so concerned with getting the hell out of there.

The sales person looked at my mom, and you know she was just thinking, “Sex weekend? Big night?” But of course you know my mom, the chatter box, mentioned that it was for her daughter in college in New Orleans. So, that doesn’t look good… Preparing her daughter for a fun and safe time…?

The other customers in the store watched as my mom bent down and scrambled to pick up all the condoms and pill packets that spilled all over the counter and floor below it. The sales person awkwardly tried to help, picking up the dress and the razors and whatnot…

Easy to say that was not my mom’s favorite day, but it makes for a great laugh, so naturally I appreciated it.

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2 Responses to “Condies”

  1. Mom November 18, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

    The was just about as humiliating as the toilet seat cover hanging out the back of my pregnant jeans!

  2. Rikki November 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm #

    Hahaha, you should post an entire blog about mom’s mishaps: rolling down her window inside the car wash to throw out her piece of gum; the many times she’s left the house in her car on her “cellphone” (the house phone); and answering her “cellphone” (a cup of coffee…)… It could go on forever!

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