Santa Monica and Boobs

11 Oct

My good pal Patricia came into town this weekend. I met up with her little sister, Laura, and her friend from college.  We went out, got drunk, blah blah, boring nightlife stuff, and then woke up in the morning at her friend’s house.

Trish (she doesn’t go by Patricia, I just say it sometimes because its funny and cute. I mostly like to call her Patty) had invites to Seth Macfarlane’s birthday party in Santa Monica Saturday night, and seeing as I hadn’t been to SM yet I decided I would drive her there and we would shop. Who cares that I was still wearing stillettos and sequin pants with a full teased updo at 11 am. I durnt curr. I’ll rock that shit any time of the day, you wanna stare at me? GO AHEAD. I’LL LOVE IT.

The best part of the day was the car ride there. Trish sat (mostly) silently next to me while I accidentally went on a 25 minute lol chat while she enjoyed curly fries and a lemonade.

I won’t go into details here because this is a free blog and until I get paid to be funny, or am doing sketches and shows to a live audience which most likely won’t be seen by my friends, family, coworkers, etc. I will have to keep that stuff to myself for now.  Sorry. Maybe I should set up a PayPal account and you can pay me a dollar to hear funny secret jokes I have racked up.

Anyways, Trish found an AMAZING Marc Jacobs dress for the event at a steal of a deal, so that rocked.

So. I live in Los Angeles. What??! I have not been living the crazy party Hollywood life you most likely think that I’m living. No, I work and sleep. I’d rather go to the beach than be hungover for 2 days. These people here look like major douche b’s at da clubs.  I mean LOL.

Friday night was my first glimpse into the Hollywood nightlife scene. YIKES! Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% down to get awesome dressed up and go out, but my idea of slutty is closer to a grandma’s version of business casual.  These girls look 12 years old and wear some terrible things. You’d think that Hollywood is chock full o’ only glamorous, amazingly dressed people, but you’d be wrong.  Half the girls in this club looked like me at homecoming in 2001.  Really pointy, not kitten heel and not stiletto sling-backs (gag), ragged, multi-length black dresses straight outta Wet Seal, and terrible hair cuts.  A lot of these girls look like strippers or fashion-challenged idiots.

I am a sexually conservative dresser, albeit I am NOT a conservative dresser.  My mother wants me to show my boobs, but in a cream colored tank top and some jeans instead of cover up my boobs and wear some awesome crazy outfit that no one else could pull off.

I’ve never fully been able to do that whole cleavage thing. I’d feel way more comfortable wearing an oversized shirt and no pants at all with awesome heels and painted words all over my legs saying SLUTBAG and the like (picture that. I am.), than baggy sweatpants, flip flops,  and a shirt that shows my boobs a little.

I think I have the only mom in history who takes her daughter’s cardigan off before she leaves the house to go to a party.  The only mom that tells me my skirts are too long, that I should take off the tank I’m wearing under my V-neck, and that my dresses aren’t tight enough. And I’m serious. She really does do this to me.

“Honey, why don’t you wear something tighter that shows your boobs and butt?”

The bigger my boobs get the more I want to cover them up. I bought a push up bra in a bright, saucy color one day to start trying to prove to people that I not only have boobs, but in fact

Spoiler Alert!

they are quite large. I’m wearing that bra right now. Under an oversized, 2 sizes to big sweater dress… That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

My boobs are known as ‘secret boobs.’ No one knows they’re there. Then one day BOOM! SURPRISE!

I wear a bra from Forever 21 that I got a couple years ago for $3. It makes my boobs look as small as I can get them to look.  I find that smaller boobs make you look skinnier so I wear baggy  tops in order to hide them. Stealth boobs, on an undercover mission to blend in and not be seen.

When I spent July in Portland this year, Blake finally realized that I had boobs, too.

Although I am quite conservative when it comes to showing skin in public, I am quite the opposite at home.  I show it all when I’m home. And if I’m drunk or comfortable with you, I’ll feel comfortable enough to stop wearing my pants in your home, too.

It feels like a waste of clean laundry.  The chances of me spilling on myself, wrinkling them, and changing my clothes a million times before actually leaving the house, is high. I wake up, put on some boy shorts and a halter bra and thats what I wear until I actually go somewhere.

Blake came downstairs one day and before I even knew he was in the room says, “God Kate! Why do you never have a shirt on!?” It was hilarious. That time I had taken off my shirt and put it near me while I ate dark chocolate on the couch and didn’t wanna ruin my top.

The next morning I sat next to him, didn’t even touch him, and he right off the bat just says, “Kate, I’d really be more comfortable snuggling with you if you had a shirt on…” LOL I wasn’t even gonna try that but I guess he just wanted to  nip that in the bud before it scarred him for life.

Poor kid.

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2 Responses to “Santa Monica and Boobs”

  1. Mom October 21, 2010 at 8:01 pm #

    Okay let me straighten things out a bit about showing the boobs! For those of you that know Kate, know that she has a darling body and great legs!! She’s also short. So, if you know anything about flattering a short, petite body that just happens to have big boobs too, wearing big baggy tops makes you look overall, heavy up top and to the bottom of the baggy, big shirt! Right? Right. Sooo, having her where clothing that is closer, not necessarily tighter, to her body and above the knee, not to the panty line or anything like that is way more flattering to her shape than oversized tops or grandma skirts that hit just below her beautiful calves hiding everything but her ankles. Might as well have her rat her hair and take up Pentacostal religion. She looks great in clothes for petite people, not big, baggy clothes! For those of us that haven’t been blessed with great legs and some boobs would never consider hiding those assets! I guess it’s like curly haired people, wanting straight hair and vis versa. Tall people in tiny short dresses or petite clothes look wrong as well. Hopefully, you all understand what I’m really trying to say to Kate! Kate, I hope you never wear that Southwestern grandma top with that turquoise head wrap ever again…..that doesn’t hide anything, it was just a “Do Not” or maybe it was a “Do” but only on the runways of London. Way to fashion forward for me…hee hee! I love your blog though!!!

    • Mom October 21, 2010 at 8:49 pm #

      Oops! I tried to change my where to wear before I posted my comment!!!

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