HILARIOUS Quotes and A New Thing I Learned.

22 Sep

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The Window Next to My Desk 🙂

I’m at work right now and currently have nothing to do. I logically just googled “stupid quotes.” I’ve literally been on the verge of passing out sitting up at my desk since I got here at 8:30 this morning and its 3:15 now… These quotes made me laugh out loud, woke me up, and are keeping me going… 5 more hours to go!

“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, “Thank God, I’m still alive.” But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.” – Barbara Boxer, Senator

I love when politicians say stupid things when they are speaking live or at a press conference. They just say some stupid shit sometimes.

“Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets.” – British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea.

I didn’t know certain types of fish were bad swimmers? This quote makes sense though, because I’m pretty sure poorly swimming fish are even more stupid than most fish and therefore are more likely to not see the enormous nets coming in from all around them in time to swim out of the way, like great swimming fish can.

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

So true, Brooke. So true.

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.” –– Alan Minter, Boxer

There was one death, however, that came very close to being serious, but that one was still classified as moderate.

“I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5.” — Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player

Something to think about for sure…

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” –Charles De Gaulle, former French President

You learn something new every day.

“It’s only puffy when it’s swollen.” –Charlie Hough, Baseball player, describing his broken finger

Otherwise, it’s totally normal when its not swollen.

“These people haven’t seen the last of my face. If I go down, I’m going down standing up.” –Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

The first image that comes to mind is a belly flop. On the basketball court.

“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system!” – Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

Finally! Earth can leave this place we now inhabit and join the rest of the Universe!

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” David Acfield

It was so weird. During the slow motion replay, it was like, time was slowed down. Like, it was going slower than normal. And in that slowed down time the ball that would normally be traveling at a regular speed was also slowed down, so it looked like it was hanging in mid air, as if time was slowed down… during the slow motion replay.

“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.” – Everett Dirksen, Congressman.

Right? Yesterday I dropped a billion here and a billion there and then my accountant called and said, “You’re spending is really adding up…”

“Yes, maam? Right here, this lady. No, she! Yes, right, second row. Next to the guy in the blue shirt, holding her left hand up. It’s a he? Sorry about that. Gotta be careful. I’m very sorry. Go ahead! I’m, excuse me, I’m very sorry. Go, ah, I, a thousand apologies, go ahead.” – George Bush Sr., Former U.S. President, at a press conference

So many apologies… from that whole family to the rest of the world… for years and years and years…

“If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel

Thank god lights were invented because otherwise we’d have to burn candles while we played video games and cooked and ironed and blew dry our hair and played with our cell phones. Although it would have been nice to be forced to play on my laptop at night before bed in candle light instead of my bedside lamp. It would balance out the harshness of my computer screen on my eyes.

“I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.”- Homer Simpson

Classic.

“There’s a soft liner, which is caught by the second baseman. And the ball game is over! For this inning. – Jerry Coleman, Baseball announcer

I mostly just loved the heightened suspense, the release of the end! And then the letdown at the end. Great writing. But its real.

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Joan Rivers

This was no accidental quote, obviously. Joan Rivers is just hilarious.

“Solitude is a silent storm that breaks down all our dead branches; yet it sends our living roots deeper into the living heart of the living earth.” – Kahlil Gibran

This person is just crazy. And I envisioned a great character for future times. Thank you Kahlil Gibran, whoever you are. So deep and so special.

Ok so I’m basically just sick of reading quotes now. Feel free to comment any other hilarious or random quotes you’ve said, heard, or read! It is now 4:15. Successfully used up an hour of my time.

Oh yes. You want to know what my job is, don’t you! I am the Office Production Assistant on a big network’s reality show. That’s all I will say. Four more hours left in the day.

Ok so you know how once you reach your twenties you’ve been to school with a million people (especially if you were a Katrina Student, extra schools) and you’ve had a million jobs (if you’re me, at least) and you lived in a million cities (I’ve moved quite a good amount) and you’ve met a billion people doing all this life stuff? Me too.

The first celebrity I saw was Ryan Gosling (star hunk from The Notebook). He was in his SUV in the Gold’s Gym parking lot. I was separated by the car I was in, the car he was in, and the space between our cars so it just felt like I was reading US Weekly.

The next week I was in town, I saw someone that I met when I was 18 and going to school at Santa Clara University. I stopped on the sidewalk, looked into his eyes, opened my mouth to say, ‘Jamie?!’ and then realized it was Berger from Sex and the City… Oops. So I did recognize this person and he does look shockingly similar to the guy I actually knew, which is a whole other story for another time, titled, “You’re A Man.”

(P.S. I just heard the audience for The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ‘wooing’ and clapping. Earlier The Big Bang Theory cast was walking around in Star Wars costumes… Is this real life?!)

The Third week I was here I was at a Farmer’s Market with Preston and on our way out I saw Jane Lynch from Glee with her son. She had won Best Supporting Actress the night before and I was all hopped up to see her. I grabbed Preston’s arm and quietly exclaimed “OMG IT’S JANE LYNCH FROM GLEE!!!” and naturally he’s used to seeing celebrities and casually looked over. I missed this casual glance and kept snatching his arm and pointing and quietly exclaiming until she was far enough away and he basically was like “Ok Kate, get it together. I saw her.” And then I got really embarrassed because I freaked out that he was going to miss seeing her. And then I realized its not that big of a deal.

The fourth week I was in town I saw Miley Cyrus and her at-the-time-supposed-ex Liam in a parking lot next to the bar I was going to in the Valley. I had finally learned my lesson. I casually looked over and said, ‘Oh, there’s Miley making out with Liam. Guess they’re back together.’ The next day it was all over the gossip mags/internet.  I think my calm reaction to this was that my sister is Miley’s little brother and sister’s nanny and went on tour last year with the whole family pretty much, so she kind of feels like a friend of a friend.  Not that I really care to know her. At all.

So basically that’s it for now. More to come later of course…

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