Sorry…

3 Aug

Okay so I know I haven’t really been that funny yet so I’ll tell a mini story of my life in Portland during the month of July.

I have become my mother’s life coach. So far, we have learned not to yell “UGLY! UGLY! UGLY!” at each unfortunate-looking person at bars, not to walk into a boutique of any sorts and loudly proclaim “GOD EVERYTHING IN HERE IS UGLY,” the time for matching your bright shimmery pinky-peach lipstick with your toenail polish has passed, smart phones have a wide array of applications and uses other than looking nice and making phone calls.  When parking, try and leave enough space for a second or possibly third car to park behind you, keep your eyes open while driving, and stop at red lights.  Don’t tell your cocktail server you HAATTEEDD your cocktail (bitters with a splash of champagne and gin, YUCK), instead let her know you don’t like it and ask for something safer. Exfoliating your skin will help the layers of fake tanner you apply look… better… than if you just leave 15 layers of dead skin cells resting on your nice skin underneath.

Don’t get me wrong, my mom is awesome. I’m making her sound stupid and bitchy which, if you know her, is the complete opposite.  She is a darling, sweet, smart, mamma, but we all do things that we don’t know are rude, weird, gross, etc.  Tonight she turned the table and told me I’d never be happy like the Bachelorette if I kept wearing my hair in a bun because no man would ever fall in love with me looking like that. HA. We’ll see about that. (She’s probably right).

I leave for Minnesota on Friday to spend over a week living THE LIFE. Boats, lakes, cabins, RTVs, waterskiing, tubing, campfires, fishing… NEED I SAY MORE?  This vacation will no doubt bring some hilarious tales…

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